“Baby Trans” – Early Stages of Transition

How and Why Trans People are Behaving so “Strangely” When They Just Come Out

In a world that still deeply imposes cis-het as the only acceptable norm, most trans
people do not have the privilege of coming out at an early age, but rather manage to
come out in their teens or as young adults, or even later in life. This creates an
interesting and in many ways often challenging position when coming out as trans finally
happens and often means that a person is now somewhat set back to socialize from the
beginning in a new gender role, while their peers, it often appears to many trans people,
are way ahead of them, which creates a desire to try so hard to “keep up”. The sense of
“wasted time” while living in a different gender role before transitioning often makes
trans people feel like they are late compared to their peers, which often results in a
desire to fit in as quickly and as much as possible, no matter the price. This period is
extremely sensitive for many trans people, as society rarely has any understanding for
the difficulties a trans person has when they just come out.

On one hand, the previously mentioned sense of “wasted time” is a very common
feeling that many trans people are sharing. It is often accompanied with strong feelings
of injustice and anger that so many years have been “taken” from them, as they were
not able to fully experience life due to gender dysphoria and lack of authenticity they
had living in a wrong gender role. This mourning for the “stolen years” can demonstrate
itself in an interesting pattern of behavior. We will call this “little girl/boy” phase, where
the newly out trans person demonstrates behaviors and looks that are typically
associated with much younger individuals, almost as if a person desires to “relive” their
childhood and teenage years, in a new gender role this time. This is seen very often and
very much points out how traumatic living in a gender role a person does not identify
with can be, as it clearly shows the typical desire to repeat the traumatic experience,
hoping that this time it would be right. For many, this phase means a person will
purposely behave less mature, more naive, more dependent after they come out.
Although this phase can seem annoying to the person’s surroundings, it is something so
natural given the circumstances and it is something to be understood rather than
judged.

On the other hand, many are battling their environment for a while after they come out,
having to work hard with their friends and families to get to the point of being even
partially and conditionally accepted, which often puts a pressure on a person to be in a
constant state of feeling like they have to prove themselves as “trans enough” for
everyone to believe them and not to question their decision to transition. This leads to

many trying very hard to fit in the most stereotypical gender roles in order to prove their
gender to their distrustful surroundings, which expresses itself in often toxic gender-
stereotypical behaviors. For trans men for example, this will often mean, and it is
observed too often, that they would willingly reject all of their experiences from before
transitioning where many themselves experienced sexism in a variety of ways and
would start demonstrating those same patriarchal patterns of toxic behavior in order to
prove themselves “men enough”, such as objectifying women or demonstrating
aggression. Although this is certainly not something to be encouraged, it is very
understandable behavior and should not be discarded and pure rudeness, but rather
observed within a context where the pressure that is put on young trans men to “prove”
their gender is often too hard and the temptation to fall into the trap of toxic masculinity
often seems like the easiest way out. This phase is often accompanied by internalized
transphobia and a strong desire to appear “normal” and distance oneself from the trans
community, which is seen as “abnormal” by the majority of the population. Such a
person will often promote “trans-medical” views, which insist on biological aspects of
gender identity and on medical transitioning as the only proof of a person being “truly
trans”. Often it goes hand in hand with claiming that gender is binary and disregarding
non-binary identities as “false” and “not trans enough”. All of this is coming from a desire
to gain even a little bit of sympathy from one’s transphobic surroundings, even at the
price of throwing one’s own people under the train and blaming other trans people (such
as non-binary people) for transphobia, therefore justifying transphobes. The damage
this does to the community is undeniable, as such narratives are giving fuel to the
transphobes and encouraging them in their hatred. However, such behavior in trans
people is just another consequence of living in a hostile and transphobic society and
should be understood as such, rather than judged. No matter how hard it is, I believe it
is up to the trans community to offer a hand and create a space of acceptance to all
members of our community, since those toxic behaviors are coming from deep wounds
created in a transphobic society and a person often knows no better ways to deal with
the constant transphobia. One might argue that everyone is responsible for their
actions, however, it is undeniable where such behaviors are coming from and that the
society is the one to blame, much rather than the individuals.

These are two very different examples of what the “baby trans” phase can look like and
there are many more very typical behaviors that trans people are demonstrating at the
beginning of their transitions, many of which are often judged and looked down upon,
when in reality it is very clear how and why some trans people are behaving so
“strangely” when they just come out. But give them time to go through those phases,
show some understanding and be kind, when many are not.